I finally figured out why I do insanely stupid factors like marrying for the mistaken reasons, shelling out as well a lot time in toxic relationships, getting again surgical procedure to prevent more back again agony, or even acquiring myself sexually assaulted when I was 14, at an age which someone lately advised me, I was or really should have been “old enough to know better.” I was not. No one underneath 18 need to be held dependable for their steps. The final decision to sexually assault me was wholly on the person who perpetrated that horrific act. But in each individual situation, like the Creek God Phaéthōn, who was admonished not to fly far too close to the sunlight, nor stray too considerably from it, on some degree, I realized what could come about if I ongoing in a particular route.
What is heading on is a deep and morbid curiosity into the depths of human suffering. That shit fascinates me. Often has. Just can’t get enough of it. I place myself in the wilderness, consciously or not, just to see if I can obtain my way out. In every single case, and in many other cases I will not get into, I went in, like a sheep or a commando, screening the boundaries laid out by society, hard the Gods in some way, heading versus my individual character, my personal ideal instincts and my have very best passions, with the sole objective of obtaining out what misery I could understand to live with. The reply is zero.
In each situation, when I challenged the bounds of culture, examined the gods, and ultimately went versus my personal best instincts, catastrophe absolutely followed. Some of which has taken a long time to get better from. In each individual case, I experienced a option. In some cases I didn’t comprehend I had a selection regardless of whether to set myself in harms way. And there are instances where by we completely do not have a choice.
There’s a place for struggling that sales opportunities to victory and a deepening of spirit. There is a backlink between vulnerability and becoming. No tale, no currently being. I realize that currently being involves pitfalls and that with no some limitation to overcome we will not grow to be our very best selves. We must take a look at our restrictions to know liberty.
Not all dangers are undesirable, but there is often a line not to be crossed. And is suffering a requirement for less than stellar choices? How chance averse am I now, just after having burned so a lot? How considerably chance am I now inclined to acquire on? There will come a level exactly where even although most of the messes I have produced do finally take care of. But the physical agony, the use and toll these follies have taken on the physique, proceeds on, dwelling inside of me as ache — continual, searing, nonstop soreness. Pain has produced me significantly less ready to get threats, even healthier types. Perhaps this is knowledge. Probably it is a little something else.
My assistance to any person seeking to examination the boundaries of their mortality. Search (and feel) right before you leap.